Resolution #2: Minding My Own Business

So. 

It's been weeks since my last entry. A lot has been going on, both internally and externally. I will deal with the external stuff first. 

I got really sick on New Year's Eve (and no, not from partying, LIKE I WANTED), and I didn't really recover for about 2 whole weeks. This past weekend was the first time I have felt like a human being in AGES. But I was still having some weird symptoms, and I talked to my doctor, and he agrees that it looks like there's a real possibility that I have Celiac Disease. 

For those who are unfamiliar, what it boils down to is this: your body can't handle gluten, to that point that when you eat it, your body releases antibodies that destroy the villi of the small intestine. The villi are little feathery bits that stick out and absorb nutrients, and when they are damaged, the body becomes malnourished. This leads to an assortment of symptoms, from weight loss to weight gain, migraines, rashes, depression, numbness and tingling in extremities, as well as more dangerous complications like thyroid disease, diabetes, and anemia. 

In short, it fucking blows. 

There is really only one conclusive way to determine if you have it or not, and that's a biopsy of the intestine. Can I just say UM THANK YOU BUT NO. 

There is a blood test that can show if you're releasing antibodies, but it's not conclusive, and my damn doctor didn't want to give me the test. Instead he referred me to a gastroenterologist, who it turns out can only see me on weekday mornings, so I would have to take a day off of work for it, and even if the test DID come back positive, there's nothing anybody can do to help except put me on a gluten-free diet. 

So guess what, I've decided to just skip all that bullshit and go gluten-free and see how I feel. Apparently it will take over a month to really be able to feel a difference, and I've only been doing it like, 4 days and I want to kill myself. Okay, so that's a bit hyperbolic, but SERIOUSLY IT SUCKS. Wheat and gluten is in SO MANY THINGS, GUYS. There's the obvious stuff like bread and cereal and pasta and pastries, and then there's less obvious stuff like sausages, chicken fingers, meatballs, and gravies, and then there's downright SURPRISING stuff like soy sauce, chapstick, vanilla extract, even powdered sugar. GAH WHYYYY. 

Okay, so that deals with most of the external (read: physical) stuff, so what about the internal?

It's hard to explain. Something has been happening to me. It started in December, and I didn't bring it up on here because it was still too new and uncomfortable. But then suddenly yesterday, everything clicked into place and I suddenly was like, "OH THAT'S ALL TRUE AND I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY."

I don't want to lose weight anymore. 

Okay, let me rephrase that. I admit that at times, I am still consumed with the desire to look and dress like Beyonce. But what has really changed is that I don't hate myself for being fat anymore. I no longer feel like other people have the right to judge me because of my weight, and I no longer feel like I DESERVE to be shamed. 

But most importantly, I no longer feel like I have the right to judge other people, either. There was this amazing article by Fat Heffalump that suddenly made me realize that EVERYONE'S BODY SHAME COMES FROM THEMSELVES AND FEEDS OFF HOW THEY THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. In other words, the more you snark (in your head or out loud) when you see people wearing stuff that isn't conventionally attractive, the more paranoid you become that people are thinking that way about you, and the more you snark to take the attention off yourself, and ROUND AND ROUND WE GO, WHERE WILL WE STOP? NOBODY KNOWS.

Somehow, barely a day after I read that, I stumbled on this amazing entry from Daces With Fat. There are so many good things happening here, and so much of that relates to the previous article, but I'm going to focus on this: PEOPLE'S BODIES ARE NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY. No. Matter. What. 

There's this shameful article that made the rounds in December called Tell Your Loved Ones They Are Overweight This Christmas, by the BBC.  And yeah, the title says it all. Basically this author (who clearly understands human behavior SO WELL) is telling people to let their family members know that they're putting on weight and that you're worried about their health (BECAUSE IF YOUR SUPERFICIAL OBSERVANCES ARE CLOAKED IN GENUINE CONCERN ABOUT HEALTH THEN EVERYTHING'S OKAY, AMIRITE?).

 Everything about this article is complete and utter fucking idiocy. The author assumes that 1) fat people don't KNOW they're fat, 2) just because they're fat they MUST have health problems, 3) people are only fat because they don't know about EXERCISE, DIETS, AND HOW SODA IS ZE DEVIL, and best of all, 4) that it's ANYONE else's business how much someone weighs. 

Now, let me be clear. If you notice your friend is suddenly sitting down with three tubs of ice cream, hoovering all three, and then ordering a pizza, should you do nothing? No. You should probably ask your friend what's going on, if there's something bothering them, do they need someone to talk to? But should you go, "Hey I can see that you're acting out of character, but what really concerns me is how bad your muffin top is getting"? 

Tip: NO. Cuz that ain't helpful, guys.

And this is what's so weird to me: in this country particularly, we act as if once someone starts to put on weight, that their body has crossed some sort of threshold that now allows everyone to have an opinion on it. Everyone immediately assumes that they know the reason this person is gaining weight (they're obviously lazy and greedy) and that they're going to DIE OF A HEART ATTACK IF THINGS CONTINUE THIS WAY OMG. 

And the most disgusting part of it, to me, is that hardly anyone has the balls to admit that it's almost exclusively due to aesthetics, and instead hides behind "Cuz it's just SO unhealthy, and I just want you to be HAPPY." 

You know what would make me happy? You shutting your ignorant mouth. THIN DOESN'T EQUAL HEALTHY, FAT DOESN'T EQUAL UNHEALTHY, READ ABOUT IT.  And to top it off, new research is showing that the heavier you become, the more difficult (ie. impossible) it becomes to lose that weight and actually keep it off. This article from the New York Times discusses how our bodies are basically working against us after a point. So in order to keep the weight off, you basically have to become militant about your eating, compulsive about exercise, and obsessed with the scale. 

Sounds *SUPERFUN*.

Is it worth it? I don't know. I imagine it's different for everybody, but to me, that just sounds depressing.  

As the weeks passed and I continued reading articles like this, I began to realize that I was becoming a Fat Advocate. A lot of people read that and seem to think that it means I'm advocating being fat, which is not the case. At least, not for me. To me, it means reminding everyone that people are more than a number on a scale or a dress size, that we are all human beings and are all deserving of respect. It means that I don't see my body as unworthy of being treated well because it doesn't look a certain way. It means that I don't believe it's fair to shame or put my own insecurities on somebody else. And it means, most importantly, that I will try, in all cases where body-size is involved, to MIND MY OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS. 

Because people's bodies are THEIR BODIES, not mine. I have no business making judgement calls about why they're fat or thin, why they're dressed the way they are, why they're eating certain foods, or any of that. I don't know anyone's stories but mine. 

So to conclude, I would like to announce, officially, that this is going to become a fat acceptance blog. There will no longer be talk of diets (except for me having to go gluten-free, BAH), there will be no weight shaming. I don't want to focus on that sort of stuff anymore. I hope you guys will support me, and I can't wait to start talking about this!